The Blank Page

The blank page. It taunts me. Like a two faced friend, it repeatedly stabs me in the back.
Can't move. Can't breathe. Can't think.
Where did all my words go?
My creativity has eluded me.
I miss the dreamer I used to be. Miss her so much I wanna scream.
I miss how easy life came to me.
Actually no... it wasn't easy. Just easier than what I have now, which is nothing.

Back in the younger years, I'd cry myself to sleep from the injustice of my father and the woes of not being with the guy I loved. Now I cannot cry at all. No tears escape my blue-gray eyes. Why? I feel nothing anymore.
Sure, there's love in my heart for my family and friends and joy in my head when something good happens... but honestly? Something inside me has changed. I'm cold and calculating. The world isn't bright with wonder anymore. Is this what it means to grow up?

I miss him tonight.
It's especially nights like that that I think of him.
The girl I was with him is the girl I miss. Carefree. Loved. Bright.
But she was WEAK.

My strength is what brought me to this. No longer do I depend on the strength of others to build myself up. I am my own worst enemy and my own best judge. Independence. It's a bitch. It's also a friend. The very same friend that stabs me in the back; The blank page.

FUCK WRITERS BLOCK.

Why can't I write my book anymore? I'm so angry.

Working Hard!

Hey guys!
I know, I know... this is where I apologize and say, "Sorry it's been so long!"
But you know what? NO!
I'm not apologizing, so HA!
I have this song stuck in my head. Literally... I'm listening to it on repeat on my headphones :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ht5MXDMkkc&feature=relmfu

It's by Katherine McPhee. From the new show, "Smash" it's pretty catchy!
I feel like dancing~

Lately I've been working like crazy. It's good, cus I really like my job.
But I find myself feeling tired all the time. I hate that feeling.
I wish I had endless energy! I could do stuff all the time!!!
That's the dream, though, isn't it? Everyone wishes they could do as much as possible with their life.
Anyways, until next time, here's a silly pic from work to tide you over!

Vampire or Werewolf?

When happens when Edward leaves and Jacob flees?
Bella is left alone, with no choice to make between two "amazing" boys.

And guess what? She's free!

This is a "Twilight Saga" reference, by the way.
I was re-watching the movies and realized what an awful story it is if you look too deep into it.
Edward is controlling and somewhat emotionally abusive.
And Jacob can never really have what he wants... always second best but still obsessed.

It's kinda similar to a couple guys I used to like.
I liked the both at the same time but my decision skills were lacking so far along it gave me time to see how pathetic and wrong both guys were for me.
:P

Where the hell have I been?

Ah, life!
It takes crazy twists and turns!
I haven't written here in forever...
It's been too long!

Now I'm a shnazzy Starbucks Barista.
I've made good friends and my hours are getting better.
My boss is awesome. And there's really not a lot of drama.
Except with my evil twin.
But... we won't get into that just now.

All you need to know is that life is soooo good.
I'm happy :)

I'll write more later when I have the time.
Right now I need to get to bed!
It's almost 11pm and I have to get up at 6am to open up shop :P

Goodnight.

We Found Love In A Hopeless Place

By: Rihanna

“It’s like screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that some one could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. But when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.”

"We found love in a hopeless place"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg&ob=av2e

This song, to me, is so powerful. It explains in the video how love can be as addicting as any drug. I felt absolutely addcited to it when I was with Fisher. Th quote she says at the beginning explains exactly how I felt. The drowning sorrow that comes with a love ending. You almost wish to have it back because of all the good stuff... but the bad stuff out-weights it.
The awesome thing is, no one was wrong about time healing all wounds.
We find love in a hopeless places every day.

Church

This has been on my mind a lot lately.

Before my dear friend, Adam, moved away, he said he wanted me to start going back to church.
I completely agreed with him. It's where I need to be.

But I've been having a hard time wanting to be there.

Some Christians refer to others as: "Pick and Choose Christians"
The meaning is self explanatory but for those of you who might not get it, here's kinda what it means: It's a Christian who picks and chooses what they want to believe and follow out of the Bible.

It's something I used to be against because you're supposed to follow God's word completely, are you not? This is where my life started getting tricky.

In the Bible, it says homosexuality is a sin worthy of death.

I'm not sure who all reads this blog, but here's one thing you need to know about me: One of my best friends, Luis, is gay.

I went to church before I met him. So at the time, I had everyone preaching to me how homosexuality is wrong. I agreed with them, to an extent. It's something I'm ashamed to admit. I was so blinded by the words that kept being pounded into my brain, I forgot to think for myself.

I am BY NO MEANS saying God's word is wrong. I love God more than anything and I'll follow him through my life.

But I absolutely REFUSE to think God would want ANYONE to kill someone for loving the same sex.

I have ever known more love from a friend than I do Luis. He is my rock. He's shown me true friendship, compassion, understanding, forgiveness and awesomeness. He is an amazingly beautiful person. How could his love be wrong?

Another reason I'm having a hard time wanting to go to church: The people I used to go to the same church with continuously judge me. Every time I run into one of them, there's no kindness or understanding of my life situation or the facts and reasons WHY I don't go anymore. All there is, is judgement. Proving once again WHY certain people give Christianity and religion a bad name.

My own Pastor would see me at my work, look me right in the eye, and TURN AWAY as if he hadn't seen me.

I know not all Christians are like that. It's a learning lesson for me.

It's been a rough road, full of twists and turns that somehow have led me true so far.
God is amazing. He has led me down this path for a reason. It's unclear why...
But Luis is in my life for a reason, too.

I think God wants me to go back to church. Probably not my last one. But one none the less. Not only to continue my life learning and growing in his image, but also educating others and letting them know God loves everyone and would NEVER want us hurting or judging one another based off of life choices.

If that makes me a "Pick and Choose" Christian... than so be it.

Pokemon!

Pokemon Love Poem

Charmanders are red, Squirtles are blue.

If you were a pokemon, I'd choose you.

Your smile is stronger than a hyperbeam

Like Jesse and James, we'd make the perfect team.

I'll stay by your side like Pikachu and Ash

And I'll love you more than a level 80 Rapidash.

You're more legendary than a Zapdos, Entei or Mew

But out of 450 I'd choose you!