Siblings

Growing up, I often felt like an only child. So when schools would have surveys, I would put that I was one.
I lived with my dad and grandma most of my life. I almost never got to see my two older brothers, Josh and Chris. I remember when I was very little, in kindergarden, and how me and the boys would walk to school. Chris usually held my hand and Josh always seemed to have the biggest temper. I even remember some of the dresses and other clothing my mom would dress me in. And one memory I'm very fond of was when Josh brought home a tree sappling and we layed in the grass after burying it in the front yard, and we tried to watch it grow for hours. The only time I ever really felt like I had siblings was when I was that young girl...

Now, even though family ties are staring me right in the face... I still feel very awkward around my brothers, dad and my mom. I feel like I still don't know them like I should... I mean, I didn't see my brothers and mom for long periods of time. And yet, even though I still fee wierd, I also still feel that sense of belonging to these people. I feel a sense of ownership, to have them be a part of me. Every once in a while, I'll talk about my brothers to a friend and they'll say, "I didn't know you had brothers." And usually I have to take a mental step back and think, 'Wow, I DO have brothers, don't I?'

My eldest brother, Chris, told me the other day that when we were super young he'd play dress up with me since I didn't have a sister to play with. It hit me hard that this awesome brother of mine must remember so much more than I do, and he must have a stronger sense of family ties with me. I am his ginger kid sister after all =]

I hope to learn more about my brothers, mother and even my father in the future. And I hope we can become closer. My biggest regret in life is not reaching out more to my own brothers and becoming a good sister to them. I want that closeness and I want that sense of family. Cus really, we're all we've got.

I also regret not being able to ask my mom and dad the important questions for fear of upsetting them. Especially my dad.

I still feel like so many things are being kept from me.