Katie Kat Got Her Wedding Dress!

My baby cousin Katie(or I guess she's not a baby but she's still my little cousin!) is getting married.
We went out dress shopping today and found the PERFECT dress for her and she got it!
We also picked out some badass bridesmaid dresses, too. I'm so super stoke for her and her fiance, Evan :D

Life is crazy right now... but I love it.

6 Years

6 Years

You know those long relationships you hear about? The ones where the boy and girl are high school sweethearts and stay together even beyond their expectations? You've seen them, I'm sure. Those couples who are destined to live “happily ever after” and stay together forever.

Well this is the story of how I lost it all. It's a sad story, to be sure. But it is so filled with love and happiness that I can't help but share it. Cause when you lose it all... well... someone's gotta be around to hear the story of the best time of your life, even if it ended with the slam of a door.

8th grade year I made fun of you and teased you. Social acceptance. I was a loser. People made fun of me... so I made fun of you.

9th grade year I floated about not really feeling like I should. You were a year behind me and I found that even though I didn't know you that well, I missed seeing you on the bus to school.

10th grade year, you finally arrived to high school and I was so super pumped to see you. We instantly fell for each other. We went out, I got spooked by my feelings, then I broke up with you.

11th grade year we went out again and I thought you were still too immature, so I broke up with you again. But we got back together at the end of the year. I was finally prepared to be with you and you felt the same about me.

Now I know what you're thinking, dear readers. DRAMA! I know! OK!? But it doesn't even end there.

We had a wonderful summer. I joined your church and everything fit together wonderfully. But this is where it all gets fuzzy. We kept getting together and breaking up. Whenever you broke it off, it was always for a girl. ALWAYS. Once you even broke up with me over myspace and I didn't get the message. I went to youth group and saw you had already started going out with another girl there!

Senior year. Everything was supposed to be perfect. I was graduating. Prom was near. I was nominated for prom queen. I thought we were getting back together. You had already asked me to the prom. But once again... plans were foiled and you started going out with this other girl... You guys went to prom and my entire senior year was ruined. I can't even imagine now why I would let you do all of this to me and somehow I'd still wanna be with you.

I graduated. I got a job. I tried moving on. But there you were. Wanting me back. Swearing you'd break up with this girl you were with. And like a fool, I fell for it. We were together for... such a long time this time. I thought we were actually gonna make it.

We got engaged. We swore we'd love each other forever. Wrong. We broke it off.

You know how you hear about those couples being so lucky they found each other? We were that couple for over a year. Every one was envious/jealous/happy for us and kept telling us how awesome we were to be able to finally be together. You always imagine that you might be in that situation. I bathed in that energy. I was so in love and happy with him. He broke up with me a few days before Christmas 2009. We got back together the day before New Years. He said the pressure of being engaged was too much.

More time passes and we're happy, but we have to overcome problems and solve things as a couple. And then the unthinkable happens. He wants to move in with me. Something I've wanted forever. But never thought it'd happen. It was all a lie. We got a place. But now my cat and myself are the only inhabitants.

Just like every other break up... he decided he didn't wanna be with me because the “grass is greener on the other side” with some other girl. A girl he had the nerve to bring into my house last night. What they were doing under that blanket, I have no idea. But the respect I have for him is gone. And I will never allow him into my life again. I'm so glad I had the courage to end it myself this time.

I'm not sure when “me” became “us” and I disappeared but I miss that bubbly girl with a million friends. I gave up so much to be with him. And he gave up nothing. I am a shadow of myself that he made better during some of the time but... now I'm not good with him at all.

Like I said, this is a story that doesn't have a happy ending. I loved him more than anything and for a while there... we were the happiest people alive...

6 years later and I still wish you would have made different choices. I wish you had chosen me instead of a bottle, a blonde and a party life.

A Reminiscent Dream...

"How do I find my way back to you?

To your loving arms
your warm embrace
the gentle touch
the soft kisses...

I hold a memory of you
in a faraway dream
in a land too forgotten
you were madly in love
and I took it for granted.

So much has changed
which is good...
but I can't help but wonder,
is this what you wanted?
Me by your side?

Maybe it was,
once upon a time.
The fairytale has ended and reality is setting in.
Am I good enough?

I want to believe I am
I want to inhale your scent
breathe in your love
feel the butterflies...

I want to feel like I'm your only one."

I've been having this reoccuring dream where I'm chasing after Josh. He keeps waiting up, so I can just barely graze his fingertips... then he keeps running away from me. He wants me to follow, so I keep running and running, in that painfully slow way that dreams make you run, until eventually I slow down and yell for him to stop or slow down. He does stop; he's a shadow in a doorway filled with light. I can't see his face but I feel like he's smiling or crying. He just shakes his head, no, and runs through the door, closing it behind him. Everything goes dark and I find myself sitting alone. This is one of the most intensly vivid dreams I've ever had. The colors as we're running are like photographs of people I've known or people I used to be friends with... like flashbacks to my entire life. Somewhere, during earlier memories that are laced with the images, I hear glass shattering and a man yelling at someone. But I'm too busy following Josh to notice who's voice it is. But as I sit in the dark, I don't feel afraid... like I usually would. I just feel left behind. I stand and walk in the direction of the closed door. I grasp the cold handle and turn. It swings open and I'm blinded by the fierce light.

Behind the door, three people are waiting for me in hooded cloaks. Idk who they are, and for some reason I can't ask them. But I feel like I know at least two of them. The other one is a mystery to me... but I feel oddly compelled to walk to them and pull down their hood... just to reassure myself they're real and not a fantasy... So I take a step closer and raise my hand...

And that's where it ends. Weird huh?

Dear Sarah

Today is one of those days I wish I could walk next door and hang out with you.

I had a crazy dream about you last night. It must have been because I was looking at the Seattle pics before I went to bed. I'm not sure if you've realized it yet but I'm a serious reminicse-er. (can I inquire as to if that's spelled correctly? lol) In the dream we were like, badass superheroes. My name was The Dark Lion and yours was The White Raven. (my dreams are a little too detailed, huh?) We were saving the world one mugger at a time lol. But you kept wanting to go solo instead of being my partner. It was sad lol.

But no matter lol. I just thought I'd blog about it.

Love you :)

Grateful For Life

"I know how it feels to want things to speed up... but remember to enjoy every single moment during those inbtween, seemingly insignificant parts leading up to the places you wanna rush to... cus the ride there is half the fun" ~Me! :)

Life is crazy but I'm so blessed to be part of so many things.

Work is one thing I'm very grateful for. I despise the long hours and small pay but it makes me appreciate the things I can have because of it. Like my awesome apartment, insurance and food on my table. I can't believe that this time last year, I was just getting my job at Winco... :)

Music is another thing I'm eternally grateful for. -sigh- What the heck would I do without it? It's crazy to think that one form of entertainment can make you feel a million different ways.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is WOU (Western Oregon University). I want to go there so bad. I like working at Winco but honestly... I don't think I could survive working there the rest of my life. I know it's an ok option for some people... but not me. I need room to spread my wings and thrive! So now comes the tough decision... what should I major in? I really want to do something in the writing field, whether it's being an editor, author or both. Or maybe a teacher. I'm afraid teachers aren't too high in demand right now, though. I'm scared for my future.

Originally, when I graduated high school, I said I wanted to go to WOU and become a teacher so I could go back to Milwakie High School to teach English/Creative Writing. But now I think I want to become a kindergarten teacher. It'd be so nice to be surrounded by amazing pupils and know I'm molding the future into something great. And it'd also be nice to have summers off lol.

Life is awesome. And crazy... and oh-so-scary! BUT! That's just part of the ride... and even though it'll be hard work... I think it'll all be worth it.

2011

Happy New Year, beautiful readers :)