We Found Love In A Hopeless Place

By: Rihanna

“It’s like screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that some one could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. But when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.”

"We found love in a hopeless place"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg&ob=av2e

This song, to me, is so powerful. It explains in the video how love can be as addicting as any drug. I felt absolutely addcited to it when I was with Fisher. Th quote she says at the beginning explains exactly how I felt. The drowning sorrow that comes with a love ending. You almost wish to have it back because of all the good stuff... but the bad stuff out-weights it.
The awesome thing is, no one was wrong about time healing all wounds.
We find love in a hopeless places every day.

Church

This has been on my mind a lot lately.

Before my dear friend, Adam, moved away, he said he wanted me to start going back to church.
I completely agreed with him. It's where I need to be.

But I've been having a hard time wanting to be there.

Some Christians refer to others as: "Pick and Choose Christians"
The meaning is self explanatory but for those of you who might not get it, here's kinda what it means: It's a Christian who picks and chooses what they want to believe and follow out of the Bible.

It's something I used to be against because you're supposed to follow God's word completely, are you not? This is where my life started getting tricky.

In the Bible, it says homosexuality is a sin worthy of death.

I'm not sure who all reads this blog, but here's one thing you need to know about me: One of my best friends, Luis, is gay.

I went to church before I met him. So at the time, I had everyone preaching to me how homosexuality is wrong. I agreed with them, to an extent. It's something I'm ashamed to admit. I was so blinded by the words that kept being pounded into my brain, I forgot to think for myself.

I am BY NO MEANS saying God's word is wrong. I love God more than anything and I'll follow him through my life.

But I absolutely REFUSE to think God would want ANYONE to kill someone for loving the same sex.

I have ever known more love from a friend than I do Luis. He is my rock. He's shown me true friendship, compassion, understanding, forgiveness and awesomeness. He is an amazingly beautiful person. How could his love be wrong?

Another reason I'm having a hard time wanting to go to church: The people I used to go to the same church with continuously judge me. Every time I run into one of them, there's no kindness or understanding of my life situation or the facts and reasons WHY I don't go anymore. All there is, is judgement. Proving once again WHY certain people give Christianity and religion a bad name.

My own Pastor would see me at my work, look me right in the eye, and TURN AWAY as if he hadn't seen me.

I know not all Christians are like that. It's a learning lesson for me.

It's been a rough road, full of twists and turns that somehow have led me true so far.
God is amazing. He has led me down this path for a reason. It's unclear why...
But Luis is in my life for a reason, too.

I think God wants me to go back to church. Probably not my last one. But one none the less. Not only to continue my life learning and growing in his image, but also educating others and letting them know God loves everyone and would NEVER want us hurting or judging one another based off of life choices.

If that makes me a "Pick and Choose" Christian... than so be it.

Pokemon!

Pokemon Love Poem

Charmanders are red, Squirtles are blue.

If you were a pokemon, I'd choose you.

Your smile is stronger than a hyperbeam

Like Jesse and James, we'd make the perfect team.

I'll stay by your side like Pikachu and Ash

And I'll love you more than a level 80 Rapidash.

You're more legendary than a Zapdos, Entei or Mew

But out of 450 I'd choose you!

Look Up!

Made you look!!!

Ahahahaha jk :)

Hey guys what's up? Things are starting to get a little better for me.
I have an interview at Target on Monday at 2pm and I got approved for food stamps today.

*sigh*

God is great :)

Also I've been shooting a music video with Luis.
The song is called, "Sail" By: Awolnation
Stay tuned on our youtube channel to check it when it comes out :)

TheAwesomeEffectPDX
http://www.youtube.com/user/TheAwesomeEffectPDX

Have an AWESOME day :)

Bisexuality

This is a little random, but I hope you guys enjoy my point of view.
Today I was discussing bisexuality with my friend.
The term has always kind of confused me.

I was bisexual in high school.
I haven't told a lot of people that. Everything happens for a reason though.
The appeal is obvious: more options, less restrictions, no boundries.

In my opinion, bisexuality is a stepping stone; a kind of crossroads to finding out who you really are.
Look at it this way: When you find someone you love, and marry them, are you still bisexual? Haven't you chosen? Maybe I'm too narrow minded. But it just seems to me that you're bi until you're not; you're bi until you decide whether you're straight or gay.

What do you guys think?

Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over, yeah.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

By: Adele

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ablNx04j6_4

Fits my mood :P

Hey there...

I haven't written in a while. It seems to always happen when my life is going crazy.
I've moved recently. My best friend, Luis, and I got an apartment together.
It's a great relief because I was living with my ex for a long time.

Breaking up with my first love was the hardest and easiest thing I've ever had to do.
I haven't talked a lot about it because I was so unsure how I felt about it for a while.

A lot of things went wrong between us.
I'm not gonna sit here and tell you all the details, because they don't matter.

All that matters is some romances aren't epic novels, they're short stories.
Makes me sad but... I feel like it's for the best.

I still find myself thinking about things I miss, though.
And I find myself wanting to call him sometimes.
It gets easier though. Time heals all wounds.

Family

They really kick you in the teeth most of the time huh?

Fuuuuccckkkkk. How did my life get this way?

Good thing you can choose family.

Dear Adam,

My thoughts have been so jumbled lately. I can't even seem to get down the words.
Like I told you, I started writing a letter to you a week or so ago. I re-read it and decided to start over. Since you're one of the only people who actually read my blog, I wanted to take your advice and write your letter here.

When I first met you, I could tell you were a genuine person. You have never changed to me in that aspect. Through everything I've gona through in my life, somehow you've ALWAYS had the right words for me.

You mentioned in one of our last meetings that you felt like my father, in the terms that you saw me making some decisions you weren't sure would benefit me and no matter what you aid, I still made those decisions. It's true. I've been quite the mischievious daughter to you, haven't I? Always agreeing with what you say but doing what I want anyways lol.
I always wanted to tell you what was happening in my life and make you proud. I'm not sure when our friendship became this way. I guess it's pretty amazing that you can choose your family sometimes, right? And you definitely are like a 2nd father to me in some aspects.

You're one of my best friends. I'm so blessed that you're in my life. I'm so sorry I haven't shown it like I wanted to. And trust me, I DID want to. But I have never really known how. I noticed a lot of our conversations were about me and my life, when it should have been equal.

You've extended your hand to me without fail every time I've asked for it. You've been here for me through all the Fisher drama, all my family drama, all my loss and gain... I had to grow up so young but never was I treated like an adult or equal until you walked into my life. You're an amazing teacher and a wonderful friend. I am SO proud of you and what you've accomplished for your life and what you're about to do. Rebuilding your life somewhere new is hard. But I know you'll flourish wherever life takes you.

I want you to know I'm here for you no matter how much distance seperates us. If we have to, we'll have our lunch dates over Skype lol.

I'm gonna miss you more than words can convey.

Saying goodbye to you the other day was so hard. Like I said, I feel like a lot of the people who helped me get through the last 3 years are slowly slipping away from me. Loss has been the constant topic of my life. I'm sick of it, but I know there's a reason for everything. God would never give me more than I can handle, right? :)

I kinda feel like I won't see you again. Mainly because of how far away you're moving and the fact that I know you're not as close to me as I am to you, if that makes sense.

I want you to be happy above everything else. And I feel like this will make you so happy. In turn, that makes me so pleased and excited for you.

Thank you so much for the honor of being my friend. I truly love you Mister Bottle lol.

<3Love

Megan

Shitty Co-Workers

Why the hell is it so fun to taunt me and make me feel like shit?

People really make me upset sometimes.
There's this one co-worker I have who makes it her life mission to make digs at me and make me feel worthless. She and I started the same day and she thinks she's boss of me or something.

She always glares in my direction, making sure I'm actually working. Cus you know, it's sooooo easy pretending to do something when nothing comes from your false productivity. If I was really screwing off, someone(my manager) would have noticed by now and THEY would be the one keeping an eye on me. And yet... there she is... glaring away.

Really woman? You're gonna sit here and make a dig about how I don't clean the floors properly? When I'm the ONLY one who gets the job done and does the whole floor by myself??? NO!

I know what you're thinking by now: Why the heck is this chick ranting online when she should be talking to her mangaer?

I did. She didn't care.

So what do I do? Sit and deal with the constant harrassment? Apparently...

Vacation

So for the fisrt time, I get a vacation from my work place :D

My best friend Luis & I are driving up to Seattle to meet my best friend, Sarah, to bring her back down here to Portland for 5 days :)

This is the second time in 8 years I've gotten to see her. I'm super pumped xD

This will be her first time to Portland since she moved away to Canada eight years ago. It's crazy to think she'll be here in like a week.

If anyone wants to chill with us while we got to Saturday Market or Powells Book Store or anything like that while she's here, just let me know. My vacation is from the 24th-28th so, we're getting her the 24th and taking her back the 28th :)

Good night :P

Clubbin' ;D

So tonight the cousins and I are going to a club downtown.
It's called FX and it's an 18 and over place. Katie and Kelcie aren't 21 yet so we can't go to any totally awesome places but hey, that's ok =]

Life has been really crazy lately.
When is it not though? lol.
I sometimes wonder why the hell I go through half the shit I do.

I feel lonely a lot of the time.
I have no idea why. I don't feel the need to like, BE with people constantly but I often feel alone in a crowded room. You know, that whole dramatic nutshell. I feel like I should have gone through this phase wayyyy earlier in life. Maybe I did? I don't know.

I just... had to grow up young and take on sooo much responsibility so soon. It makes me wish I was a teenager again.
I wish I could work low hours and live with my parents so I could go to school.
You know, like NORMAL people my age.
But no... life is hard and I have to roll with the punches.
Sometimes I really resentful but mostly I'm EXTREMELY grateful or what I have.

My life could be way worse and I'm lucky to be in such good circumstances.

I'm having lunch with Adam on Thursday.
I feel like he always has the words to make me better :)

Anyways, I need to go hit up the town ;)

Have a good night <3

Good Afternoon

Why is it only night time when inspiration hits me?
No clue, but today I decided to break the mold and write before work :D

A lot of stuff has been happening lately.
Work took a very dramatic turn, but the beauty of it is that I dealt with my business and now things are way better :)

It's the beginning of the month, though, and that means everyone is out shopping.
Seriously... why can't they space it out? DAMN!
There's been sooooo many people shopping this weekend, it's hard to keep up with anything.
Yesterday I thawed out a bunch of backup seafood for the case today.
Honestly, I'm sometimes unsure of WHY I bother. It all ends up being gone by the time I get to work and the other guy I work with never really bothers to help me out by doing the same thing soooo... ugh.

I'm putting forth an effort, though. That should count, right?

I wanted to do VEDA this month. VEDA stands for, "Vlog Every Day of April" but I got lazy lol. So I'll do it in August instead!

If yo guys haven't figured it out yet, I have a youtube channel

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMissMegan?feature=mhum

I also just made a channel with my friend Luis,

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheAwesomeEffectPDX

I would check those out if I were you ;D

This networking thing is harder than I thought. I used to be able to keep up with my facebook, twitter, myspace, dailybooth, youtube, blog, etc, without any hassle. But now that I work all the time, and have to be away from my laptop, it's getting harder. I wanna be able to keep up and show you guys I still care :)

So I think, to stay better connected, I might get an iPhone *GASP* I know, I know... I always wanted one but couldn't justify it. Now I can.

I'm gonna be doing some awesome things in the near future and wanna keep up with you guys about it!

So please make sure to follow me, add me, subscribe, whatever!

lovelovelove,

TheMissMegan

Out Of This World

"Out Of This World"

Bush

When we die
We go in to the arms of those
Who remember us
We are home now
Out of our heads
Out of our minds
Out of this world
We're out of this time

Are you drowning or waving?
I just want you to save me
Should we try to get along?
Just try to get along
So we move
We change by the speed of the choices that we make
And the barriers are all self-made
That's so retrograde

Are you drowning or waving?
I just need you to save me
Should we try to get along?
Just try to get along

I am alive
I'm awake to the trials of confusion we create
There were times I feel when we're about to break
When there's too much to say
We are home now
Out of our heads
Out of our minds
Out of this world
We're out of this time
We're out of this time
We're out of this time
We're out of this time

Contacts/Avril Lavigne && Rambling About Life

It's a qarter after four in the morning. I have an eye doctor appointment at noon to see if I can be fitted for contacts. Apparently, I will be given a 20 minute class on how to put them in and take them out lol. I'm actually pretty pumped :D
It'll be nice to have the option of whether or not I wanna wear them.

Onto other news, I bought Avril Lavigne's new album today. It's called, "Goodbye Lullaby"

It's a lot more deep than her other stuff, which I don't mind at all. But I do love classic Avril sooo... her single, "What The Hell" is my fav on the album.

My brother, Josh, and I wanted to take Hayden to the Zoo tomorrow but my appointment will probably last too long and the Zoo closes at 4pm. Lame... but oh well! We'll take her soon!

You know all those cliche people who say stuff like, "Oh my gosh, I'm never gonna find that one person for me"? I feel like that MOST of the time. I'm perfectly content being just me right now. Cus to be honest, I'm AWESOME! I love my life, however scattered it may be at the moment, and it pleases me that I'm able to cut through the B.S. and see through the fake people in my life. But I'm at the point where I feel like I want to move forward. I hate feeling stuck. I've always been too antsy to let life hold me back. But I have to admit it does feel nice to take a breather and stand still sometimes.

I'm almost 22 years old. Isn't that insane? My life has been rocky, at best, and I want it to sail smooth already.

This has been a lot of just rambling but... idk... what do you think?

Work Day

So today was super hectic at work.

I kick started my work day by throwing the freezer load. Keep in mind, all this product I have to put away is easily 10-50lbs a box and stacked up to 2 feet higher than me. I'm not used to doing this so naturally, my muscles were yelling at me. But I was done within twenty minutes.

Today was also the 1st of the month, so everyone who has food stamps started their shopping today. Which means it was VERY busy all day.

There are two people I work with that I've become great friends with. You'd think because they both are good friends with me they'd also be good friends with eachother right? Not even. They really don't get along and today it got to the breaking point. It really makes me sad to see them like that. It's also very hard to be there for both of them objectively when I can clearly see which one is wrong most of the time. So their drama added fuel to the fire.

In the midst of all the busyness and drama, someone called in today. On the first of the month, that's quite a blow.

While one of my co-workers was at lunch, I was helping a customer. (keep in mind, there are probably twenty people at the counter right now waiting to be helped) Out of the corner of my eye, I notice something horrid... A child sitting in a cart, about 3-4 years old, starts to projectile vomit everywhere... ALL OVER THE MEAT DEPARTMENT. So I finish up with my customer and call maitenence. The policy in my store requires me to stand next to a "spill" until someone comes. Ten minutes later, still no maitenece. And the only other worker on the counter is getting frustrated... and customers are grossed out and pissed it's taking so long. Meanwhile, the parent of the child has strolled away, not even caring enough to stay and make sure it's taken care of.... GAH!!!!!

Have I ever mentioned how bad I get around vomit? No? Omg... well... If I even hear it, see it or smell it, I'll start to gag. I was dying :(

Finally maitenence comes and I'm relieved of barf duty... only to deal with said-customers who now blame me for the delay of deli meat, fried chicken and seafood that they wanna purchase with food stamps...

"Hi! What can I get for you today?"
*customer points to hot case*
"Can I buy friend chicken with my food stamps card?"
"No ma'am. You can't get anything from the hot case on food stamps." *smiles politely*
"Ohhh... well what about jojo's?"
*Mentally rolls eyes* "Um, no ma'am. Nothing in the hot case can be purchased with food stamps."
"Oh I see. Well what CAN I get on food stamps?"
"Anything in the deli aside from food in the hot case."
"So not even chicken strips?"
OH MY GAWSH
"Nope, sorry. Is there something else I can get for you?"
*customer looks pissed and walks away without a word*
"Have a nice day..."

FAIL!

Later on, as I was coming back from the bathroom, I hear a shattering noise a couple aisles up... some customer had dropped quite a few of those candles in the thick glass jars...

Let's just say I didn't get off work on time.

How was your day??

Stranger

*sighs* I'm finally free :)



Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind.
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide.
You treat me like a queen when we go out,
wanna show everyone what our love's about.
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd,
But when no ones around;

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you?
Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room?
You made yourself look perfect in everyway,
So when this goes down, I'm the one that will be blamed.
Your plan is working so you can just walk away,
Baby your secret's safe.

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Such a long way back, from this place we arrived.
When I think of all the time I've wasted, I could cry..

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too.

When thoughts become unbearable

I'm not lost, just wounded.
Like Bella says in New Moon, "I'm not just some car you can fix up... I'm never gonna run right..."
But there's hope for me being fixed :)

There have been lots of messed up things going through my head lately.
Maybe it's from all the movies I watch lol.
(I wonder what Adam would have to say about that xD)
Ahhhh pop culture, you feed my brain with all sorts of things Adam dislikes xD

Maybe this funk will go away if I just go read or write or something...

Only Girl

"Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world." -Rihanna

Dear Adam,

Things are getting better :)

I can't wait to tell you about all the amazing things that have been happening the past few days :) We must have lunch again soon!

Song of the day:



Rest In Peace

Sung by, James Marsters

I died

So many years ago

But you can make me feel

Like it isn't so

And why you come to be with me

I think I finally know

mmm-mmm

You're scared

Ashamed of what you feel

And you can't tell the ones you love

You know they couldn't deal

Whisper in a dead man's ear

It doesn't make it real

That's great

But I don't wanna play

'Cause being with you touches me

More than I can say

And since I'm only dead to you

I'm saying stay away and

Let me rest in peace

Let me rest in peace

Let me get some sleep

Let me take my love and bury it

In a hole 6-foot deep

I can lay my body down

But I can't find my, sweet release

So let me rest in peace

You know,

You got a willing slave

And You just love to play the thought

That you might misbehave

But Till you do,

I'm telling you

Stop visiting my grave

Let me rest in peace

I know I should go

But I follow you like a man possessed

There's a traitor here beneath my breast

And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed

If my heart could beat, it would break my chest

but I can see you're unimpressed

So leave me be and

Let me rest in peace

Let me get some sleep

Let me take my love and bury it

Im a hole 6-foot deep

I can lay my body down

But I can't find my sweet release

Let me rest in peace

Why won't you

Let me rest in peace?

Adam Bottiglia

So since I'm pretty sure you're one of my only constant readers, I thought I'd dedicate this blog to you, Mr. Adam Bottiglia :D

Dear Adam,

You and I have been friends for a few years now and honestly, I have no clue where my sanity would be without you. It seems like whenever I'm in a bind with life or hard decisions, there you are, so willing to give me all the right answers. And a lot of the time I try to follow your advice best as I can. But some of the time, not so much... I kinda just ignore reason and create my own.

The talk you and I had during our lunch(and dessert) the other day put my entire situation into perspective. I'm scared to death to do what I feel I should cus there's so much I feel is left. I want to walk away and make my life my own but... I yearn for a certain someone to realize what they're losing and look at me the way they used to... the way they sometimes still do...

I feel crazy, wanting what I know may be impossible. But... I also don't wanna give up hope that this may be my final chance. Wow, this isn't making too much sense huh? After all, I was pretty decided the other day lol. It's a day to day struggle. On one hand, I feel like saying, "I can break free!" and on the other hand, I wanna say, "This is MY life and I choose to fight for what I want..."

You're right... I am the wild card. I wish I could give up but... idk if I can or if I even want to.

Love is irrational... & so am I sometimes.

I missed being able to talk with you. And I hate the thought of you leaving. But I'm so happy life is taking you where you want. I know you'll be wonderful.

I'll blog again another time...

Goodnight :)

Christina Perri

"Jar Of Hearts"

I know I can't take one more step towards you

‘Cause all that's waiting is regret

Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive

And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]

Who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

Tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive

And now you want me one more time

[Chorus]

It took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

‘Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

[Chorus x2]

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Katie Kat Got Her Wedding Dress!

My baby cousin Katie(or I guess she's not a baby but she's still my little cousin!) is getting married.
We went out dress shopping today and found the PERFECT dress for her and she got it!
We also picked out some badass bridesmaid dresses, too. I'm so super stoke for her and her fiance, Evan :D

Life is crazy right now... but I love it.

6 Years

6 Years

You know those long relationships you hear about? The ones where the boy and girl are high school sweethearts and stay together even beyond their expectations? You've seen them, I'm sure. Those couples who are destined to live “happily ever after” and stay together forever.

Well this is the story of how I lost it all. It's a sad story, to be sure. But it is so filled with love and happiness that I can't help but share it. Cause when you lose it all... well... someone's gotta be around to hear the story of the best time of your life, even if it ended with the slam of a door.

8th grade year I made fun of you and teased you. Social acceptance. I was a loser. People made fun of me... so I made fun of you.

9th grade year I floated about not really feeling like I should. You were a year behind me and I found that even though I didn't know you that well, I missed seeing you on the bus to school.

10th grade year, you finally arrived to high school and I was so super pumped to see you. We instantly fell for each other. We went out, I got spooked by my feelings, then I broke up with you.

11th grade year we went out again and I thought you were still too immature, so I broke up with you again. But we got back together at the end of the year. I was finally prepared to be with you and you felt the same about me.

Now I know what you're thinking, dear readers. DRAMA! I know! OK!? But it doesn't even end there.

We had a wonderful summer. I joined your church and everything fit together wonderfully. But this is where it all gets fuzzy. We kept getting together and breaking up. Whenever you broke it off, it was always for a girl. ALWAYS. Once you even broke up with me over myspace and I didn't get the message. I went to youth group and saw you had already started going out with another girl there!

Senior year. Everything was supposed to be perfect. I was graduating. Prom was near. I was nominated for prom queen. I thought we were getting back together. You had already asked me to the prom. But once again... plans were foiled and you started going out with this other girl... You guys went to prom and my entire senior year was ruined. I can't even imagine now why I would let you do all of this to me and somehow I'd still wanna be with you.

I graduated. I got a job. I tried moving on. But there you were. Wanting me back. Swearing you'd break up with this girl you were with. And like a fool, I fell for it. We were together for... such a long time this time. I thought we were actually gonna make it.

We got engaged. We swore we'd love each other forever. Wrong. We broke it off.

You know how you hear about those couples being so lucky they found each other? We were that couple for over a year. Every one was envious/jealous/happy for us and kept telling us how awesome we were to be able to finally be together. You always imagine that you might be in that situation. I bathed in that energy. I was so in love and happy with him. He broke up with me a few days before Christmas 2009. We got back together the day before New Years. He said the pressure of being engaged was too much.

More time passes and we're happy, but we have to overcome problems and solve things as a couple. And then the unthinkable happens. He wants to move in with me. Something I've wanted forever. But never thought it'd happen. It was all a lie. We got a place. But now my cat and myself are the only inhabitants.

Just like every other break up... he decided he didn't wanna be with me because the “grass is greener on the other side” with some other girl. A girl he had the nerve to bring into my house last night. What they were doing under that blanket, I have no idea. But the respect I have for him is gone. And I will never allow him into my life again. I'm so glad I had the courage to end it myself this time.

I'm not sure when “me” became “us” and I disappeared but I miss that bubbly girl with a million friends. I gave up so much to be with him. And he gave up nothing. I am a shadow of myself that he made better during some of the time but... now I'm not good with him at all.

Like I said, this is a story that doesn't have a happy ending. I loved him more than anything and for a while there... we were the happiest people alive...

6 years later and I still wish you would have made different choices. I wish you had chosen me instead of a bottle, a blonde and a party life.

A Reminiscent Dream...

"How do I find my way back to you?

To your loving arms
your warm embrace
the gentle touch
the soft kisses...

I hold a memory of you
in a faraway dream
in a land too forgotten
you were madly in love
and I took it for granted.

So much has changed
which is good...
but I can't help but wonder,
is this what you wanted?
Me by your side?

Maybe it was,
once upon a time.
The fairytale has ended and reality is setting in.
Am I good enough?

I want to believe I am
I want to inhale your scent
breathe in your love
feel the butterflies...

I want to feel like I'm your only one."

I've been having this reoccuring dream where I'm chasing after Josh. He keeps waiting up, so I can just barely graze his fingertips... then he keeps running away from me. He wants me to follow, so I keep running and running, in that painfully slow way that dreams make you run, until eventually I slow down and yell for him to stop or slow down. He does stop; he's a shadow in a doorway filled with light. I can't see his face but I feel like he's smiling or crying. He just shakes his head, no, and runs through the door, closing it behind him. Everything goes dark and I find myself sitting alone. This is one of the most intensly vivid dreams I've ever had. The colors as we're running are like photographs of people I've known or people I used to be friends with... like flashbacks to my entire life. Somewhere, during earlier memories that are laced with the images, I hear glass shattering and a man yelling at someone. But I'm too busy following Josh to notice who's voice it is. But as I sit in the dark, I don't feel afraid... like I usually would. I just feel left behind. I stand and walk in the direction of the closed door. I grasp the cold handle and turn. It swings open and I'm blinded by the fierce light.

Behind the door, three people are waiting for me in hooded cloaks. Idk who they are, and for some reason I can't ask them. But I feel like I know at least two of them. The other one is a mystery to me... but I feel oddly compelled to walk to them and pull down their hood... just to reassure myself they're real and not a fantasy... So I take a step closer and raise my hand...

And that's where it ends. Weird huh?

Dear Sarah

Today is one of those days I wish I could walk next door and hang out with you.

I had a crazy dream about you last night. It must have been because I was looking at the Seattle pics before I went to bed. I'm not sure if you've realized it yet but I'm a serious reminicse-er. (can I inquire as to if that's spelled correctly? lol) In the dream we were like, badass superheroes. My name was The Dark Lion and yours was The White Raven. (my dreams are a little too detailed, huh?) We were saving the world one mugger at a time lol. But you kept wanting to go solo instead of being my partner. It was sad lol.

But no matter lol. I just thought I'd blog about it.

Love you :)

Grateful For Life

"I know how it feels to want things to speed up... but remember to enjoy every single moment during those inbtween, seemingly insignificant parts leading up to the places you wanna rush to... cus the ride there is half the fun" ~Me! :)

Life is crazy but I'm so blessed to be part of so many things.

Work is one thing I'm very grateful for. I despise the long hours and small pay but it makes me appreciate the things I can have because of it. Like my awesome apartment, insurance and food on my table. I can't believe that this time last year, I was just getting my job at Winco... :)

Music is another thing I'm eternally grateful for. -sigh- What the heck would I do without it? It's crazy to think that one form of entertainment can make you feel a million different ways.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is WOU (Western Oregon University). I want to go there so bad. I like working at Winco but honestly... I don't think I could survive working there the rest of my life. I know it's an ok option for some people... but not me. I need room to spread my wings and thrive! So now comes the tough decision... what should I major in? I really want to do something in the writing field, whether it's being an editor, author or both. Or maybe a teacher. I'm afraid teachers aren't too high in demand right now, though. I'm scared for my future.

Originally, when I graduated high school, I said I wanted to go to WOU and become a teacher so I could go back to Milwakie High School to teach English/Creative Writing. But now I think I want to become a kindergarten teacher. It'd be so nice to be surrounded by amazing pupils and know I'm molding the future into something great. And it'd also be nice to have summers off lol.

Life is awesome. And crazy... and oh-so-scary! BUT! That's just part of the ride... and even though it'll be hard work... I think it'll all be worth it.

2011

Happy New Year, beautiful readers :)